116 Pirate Puns That Arrrgh Pretty Hilarious

The conquerors of the seven seas and all the ships that have ever crossed them, the parrot whisperers, rum connoisseurs, mythical men (and a few ferocious ladies), shrouded forever in a veil of mystique. Oh aye, we indeed are talking about pirates! And what’s a better way to show our appreciation of these sea masters if not by dedicating a post full of puns to them! Aye aye cap’n, it’s pirate puns that ye be about t’ witness, and they are as good as a buried chest of treasure. 

To delve into the history of pirates would require a whole series of intrinsic articles, but just to safeguard you and us from inevitable confusion, let’s just agree that we are talking about ocean raiders. Definitely not about downloading songs (like Wheezer’s Teenage Dirtbag) through LimeWire and getting George W. Bush’s speech instead. It’s the braveheart corsairs that we are talking about in these cool puns, so you should expect keywords such as looting, parrots, pirate ships, and treasures in this article, and not for stuff like ‘download.’ Okay, since we’re clear on that, it’s probably time to skip straight to the silly puns, here yonder. And shiver me timbers if we don’t think that they are truly the prized booty of the internet! 

Now, matey, it’s almost time for you to set the sail for looking at the pirate puns themselves. No, they are not some seven seas away, but rather only a short plank walk down below. Once you get there, vote for the corny puns that made you go yo-ho-ho and give ’em your vote. After that, share this loot chest with anyone who might find it of interest! 

#1

What does a vegan pirate do in jail? Starrrrrve!

#2

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of music? Rum & Bass!

#3

What’s a pirate’s favorite subject? Arrrt!

#4

Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

#5

Why is pirating so addictive? They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

#6

Why can’t the pirates fire their weapons on Saturdays? Because they only cannon Sundays!

#7

What do you call 3.14 men out at sea? ‘Pi’-rates!

#8

What’s a pirate’s favorite country? Arrr-gentina!

#9

Who gets all their movies for free? Pirates!

#10

Have you heard any good pirate jokes? Well, neither have ayyyye.

#11

What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned.

#12

What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing, it just waved.

#13

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

#14

What do you call a pirate who likes to skip school? Captain Hooky!

#15

What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian? Aye matey years old!

#16

A pirate plunders the high seas. A pie-rat plunders the pantry.

#17

Retired pirates love yoga because of all the ex-sailing.

#18

What do you call it when the crew of a pirate ship plots mutiny? A consipra-sea!

#19

Why did you join a band of pirates? Pier pressure.

#20

What did the pirate’s landlord say when he was evicted? Get out, you free-looter!

#21

Why did the pirate pull out of the stock market? Because he was in shark-invested waters!

#22

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a tropical fruit? Bandana!

#23

If a farmer has a cabbage patch, what does a pirate have? An eye patch!

#24

Why did the alcoholic pirate stop drinking? Because he’d rum out!

#25

What did the pirate say when he left his wooden leg in the freezer? Shiver me timbers!

#26

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument? The guitarrr!

#27

Where are American pirates from? Arrrkansas!

#28

What would you call a pirate with 4 eyes? A iiiirate.

#29

What should you do when you see a coughing pirate? Run, he probably has the SAAARRRRRRS!

#30

Have you ever heard any good pirate jokes? Well, neither have ayyye!

#31

How do pirates like to cook their steaks? On a BAAAARRRRRBECUE!

#32

How do pirates know that they are pirates? They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

#33

What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs? A rookie.

#34

What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate? One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.

#35

What does a dyslexic pirate say? RRRRRRA!

#36

What did the pirate wear on Halloween? A pumpkin patch.

#37

I’m a pirate, off to sea! It’s a plunderful life for me.

#38

The high seas are where me heart-y it be.

#39

Pirates are obsessed with being at sea. They’re aqua-holics.

#40

It’ll be nautical miles and miles before a pirate decides to return to the shore.

#41

Seeing a pirate ship in person is truly oar-inspiring.

#42

I’ll never spill the doubloons about the treasure!

#43

You can abso-loot-ley trust me with the treasure map.

#44

All I Caribbean about is finding the treasure!

#45

I like my booty to be filled with looty.

#46

That pirate is par-rotten to the shore!

#47

The treasure is just a hop, skiff, and jump away.

#48

Where do one-legged pirates like to eat? IHOP.

#49

What’s it called when two pirates call it a draw? A stale-matey!

#50

What did the pirate give his fiance? An engagement dubloon.

#51

What do you call pirate twins? Doubloons!

#52

Why did the pirate quit his plundering ways? He was a pegleg in a square hole.

#53

What does a pirate name his dog? The Plank. That’s why he’s always walking The Plank.

#54

What did the pirate’s girlfriend say when he stood her up? I’m all swashbuckled up with no place to go.

#55

Do pirates like to fight? Sword of.

#56

Is your sister marrying a pirate? Knot on my watch!

#57

What grades do future pirates strive for in a school? High C’s.

#58

What does a pirate’s phone ringer sound like? Ringy dinghy dinghy.

#59

Doctor Doctor, why do I feel like everyone keeps talking to me like a pirate? Because they argh!

#60

How come only the pirate with the eyepatch was able to make it to shore? Because it was one island!

#61

What do you call a pirate that’s very close by? Buccanear!

#62

Why were there no painkillers left on the pirate ship? Because the parrots-ate-emol!

#63

What did the sea-police say when they arrested the pirate? You’re under a chest!

#64

Why did the kid pirate get kicked out of class? Because he wouldn’t stop talking about his booty!

#65

Why does the Captian sail a ship? Because he let his car-go!

#66

Why were the kids so restless in pirating class? Because they were overbored!

#67

Why do doctors hate operating on pirates? Because they have crossedbones!

#68

What did the pirate say when he quit his job? Sorry Captain, me heartys just not in it anymore!

#69

Why did two pirates get into an argument? Because they couldn’t see aye to aye!

#70

Why was the pirate ship so cheap? It was on sail!

#71

If Apple was a pirate ship, what would its crew wear? An iPatch!

#72

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of fish? A swordfish!

#73

What type of haircut does a pirate get? A crew cut!

#74

How does a pirate get to the top of the building? By elevataaaaarrrrrr!!!!!

#75

What kind of a ship is most feared by pirates? The Steady Relationship.

#76

Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground? Because booty is only shin deep!

#77

How did the pirate find out he needed glasses? He took an aye exam!

#78

What is a pirate’s favorite doll? BAAAAARRRRBIE!

#79

Why couldn’t the 12-year-old see a pirate movie? It was rated RRRRRR.

#80

Why did the pirate buy an eye patch? Because he couldn’t afford an iPad!

#81

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply? He bought it on sail.

#82

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C.

#83

How much did the pirate pay for his piercings? A buck-an-ear.

#84

How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? An arm and a leg.

#85

What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet? I, I, R, and the seven C’s!

#86

We set sail on the high seas at the kraken of dawn.

#87

Watch out for pirate ships; they’re assailing vessels.

#88

Pirates don’t need to go on vacation. They get all the arrr and arrr they need at work.

#89

Aye-ll have my own ship schooner or later.

#90

Who did the ghost pirate hire to repair his boat? A skeleton crew!

#91

Pirate: Another name for a naughty, knotty sailor.

#92

A fool and his booty are soon parroted.

#93

Captain, can I bend your ear? Not for free; it’s a buccaneer.

#94

Why did the pirate write a letter? Because the pen is mightier than the sword!

#95

What does a pirate’s dog do? Scallywag his tail!

#96

What does a pirate do when there is no treasure to be found? Cry pira-tears.

#97

Why did the pirate have to stay on shore? He didn’t have a crew.

#98

Where do kid pirates like to go for fun? To the arrgh-cade!

#99

Why did the pirates decide to build an eco-friendly ship? Because they were tired of pollooting!

#100

What do you call a pirate crew that’s been sponsored by Heinz? Pirates of the Caribakedbean!

#101

Why did the pirate have to get a wooden leg? Because he had such bad arghthritis!

#102

Why was the sailor banned from blockbusters? For buying pirated DVD’s!

#103

What is a pirate least favorite cardio exercise? Planking!

#104

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You’d think it would be arrr, but it’s actually the C!

#105

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

#106

Why couldn’t the pirate stop binge-watching the TV series? Because he was hooked!

#107

What does pirate Santa say? Row row row!

#108

What was the pirate boxer’s biggest strength? His left hook!

#109

What’s a pirate’s favorite element? Arrrgon . . . or gold!

#110

A guy was trying to sell me a DVD that was rated 3.14 stars. I could tell straight away it was pi-rated.

#111

What do pirates wear in the winter? Long Johns!

#112

What’s a pirate’s favorite part of a song? The hook!

#113

What do you call a stupid pirate? The pillage idiot!

#114

Why are maths teachers secretly pirates? Because they’re always trying to find X!

#115

What did the first mate see down the toilet? The Captain’s log!

#116

What’s a pirate’s favorite fish dish? Pieces of skate!