If you’ve ever been to more than a single stand-up comedy show, you’ll quickly notice that first dates are a common, never-ending reservoir of great comedy content. After all, it’s a mixture of satisfaction (and a good dose of vitamin C) derived from this universal little thing called schadenfreude (or a “pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune”) and our unfortunate ability to relate to their hilariously absurd dating experiences.
Just like a horrible hangover or a gut-wrenching brain freeze, a first date from hell is like a rite of passage that connects most of us love seekers. But no matter how disastrous it all was, after reading this list of increasingly degenerate first-date stories compiled by Bored Panda — there’s a slight chance you’ll start seeing your first dating experience, no matter how traumatic or embarrassing, in a completely new light. Or, at least, you’ll get a good laugh out of others’ love-seeking misfortunes.
On a first date at a coffee shop, the guy picked up my foot (I was wearing cute sandals). He rubbed my foot for a second and I was like wtf, then he put my all of my toes in his mouth.
At the table.
In the coffeeshop.
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Within the first 15 minutes, he expressed that he wanted me to eventually wear full burka (I already wear a head scarf) and told me that I was wearing too much makeup. Ended the date right there and then.
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Met a guy for coffee I had been talking to online. He started acting weird within 5 mins and when I asked why he told me he was disappointed that my breasts looked bigger in my online pic. Then he continued on with how important big breasts were to him. After about 5 mins I cut him off and asked how big his penis is. The answer was unimportant as I grabbed by stuff said “Too small for me” and walked out.
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Showed up 45 min late with no text or call to let me know, just as I was finishing my drink and walking out. He was on the phone with a friend. I went to greet him and he put his hand up in my face to “sshhhh” me. I heard his friend ask “so did you **** her yet?” I loudly said, “No and he won’t either” as I walked out.
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He said, “I have four kids from three different women. I have cheated on all of them but something tells me it will be different with you. Do you like kids?”. I excused myself to the bathroom and ran for the hills.
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When he took me to a WW2 museum and said “Ya know, the Nazis weren’t all that bad”
I was like NOPE, I’m outta here.
Realized he had drugged my drink. His excuse was technically he drugged his own drink and then simply offered me to try it so it was my fault? But luckily I could feel what was happening and got out of there quickly and rode it out at home alone. In retrospect it could have gone so, so much worse.
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First date was uneventful. We talked about what we did, our backgrounds, upbringing, etc. Vapid, nebulous stuff. This was late afternoon Saturday.
We parted and I went to a pub to meet some friends.
The following morning I slept late, and opened my phone to a barrage (well, around four) of messages from my date.
She’s listing all the things I should have done or said better, what she found annoying etc. I’m looking through it pretty damned hurt. I started to write what I thought “wow, there’s no need for that, just say thanks and bye” but remembered to not text when emotions run high.
That afternoon, another message
“When do you want to try again, think it could be fun?”
This time I did respond:
Image credits: Hattix
She spoke really loudly all through the movie in the theater yet hushed at anyone who made the tiniest of sounds.
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Went on a date with a guy, who I have dubbed “PowerPoint guy”. He arrived at our first date (coffee) with a literal presentation of non-negotiable demands he required from a future partner.
Including, but not limited to: Must be housewife, produce him two boys and a girl (in that order, gender specified), not work or desire a career, move 500 miles away to live on an acreage in his parents house (like, with them also living there), not have any male friends, BUT he also wanted someone who is open to sleeping with whoever he chose so he could watch.
The list goes on. He didn’t ask me a single question about my life or interests. Just spat out this list of stuff and talked about himself for ~2 hours (at which point, I politely bailed).
Props to this guy for knowing what he wants… but PowerPoint guy did not land a second date with me.
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She criticized absolutely EVERYTHING. The car I was driving, clothes I was wearing, cologne I chose. We were supposed to go bowling, dinner and then drinks. When an attendant came over to ask if we wanted anything I ordered my snacks and asked if she wanted anything. “You mean you don’t know? What kind of date is this?” Halfway through our game she mentioned I was bringing up the wrong conversation topics. Thankfully my brother called me out of the blue asking to borrow some fishing gear and I played it as work calling me in. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
Image credits: https://www.reddit.com/user/aknat907/
Arrived 40 minutes late with no text to say he would be. Turned up with his laptop and said he needs to do some work and gave me some cash to get him a coffee and something I want. I was like “okay sure” and stood in the queue watching him as he put on his headphones and opened his laptop. I came back with the drinks and he said he just needs to finish this and took a call. I just sat there for another 40 minutes with zero conversation and him typing/chatting away. This was a Saturday BTW and he scheduled the time.
After he finished he said let’s go to a bar and get a proper drink. We had a chat and I tried to get to know him but he was being an arse. He ordered the drinks and then started having a go at me for not offering to pay and went on a rant about double standards.
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I was 18, a girl sent me a pm on MSN saying she got my details from my mate and wanted to go in a date with me, I asked my mate and he said she was hot, so after talking a bit I agreed to a date. I had seen a photo and she was attractive.
I turned up to the Cafe for the date and was approached by some girl I’d never seen with a baby. She then told me she was the girl (looked nothing like her photo) she explained she thought I’d never go for someone who looked like her (she was right) then she left her baby with me while she went to the toilet quickly.
Alarm bells started to ring after 15 minutes, I asked a waitress to check on her, to my suprise the waitress came back and said no one was in there. I looked around the Cafe and she was gone. I hadn’t noticed her leaving.
I didn’t have any of her contact details and smart phones where not a thing so I didn’t have internet access. I phoned my mate and got him to attempt to contact her on MSN. After telling him what happened he was suprised and had no idea, apparently he also thought her pictures where the real her.
Another 20 minutes went and I was scared so I asked the waitress for help. Thankfully she was able to help and called the police. They showed up and I explained what happened. I didn’t know anything about this girl so I couldn’t really help them. They said if she contacted me to get her to contact them.
I left and walked towards my car, I went past another Cafe about 6 shops down and there she was with a different guy. I went back to the police and got them to take her baby in while I watched through the window outside and waved when she looked up.
Turns out I was the baby sitter for her real date.
She wanted to look at wedding dresses as a first date.
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As we met up and started walking towards the cafe: “before we start you should know that my family’s very wealthy and you’ll be taken care of. I’d like to get married right after graduation so don’t worry about going to college or getting a job because you’ll be at home”.
I’ve never seen such a huge pile of red flags since then, left before even going inside the place.
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He was trying to explain that his family was involved with the KKK, but “not for racist reasons.” This was after declining all non American dinner options, which I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he came from a tiny town in Texas so I figured it was just all new to him. I left money for my food that hadn’t arrived yet and headed out. I dunno why he even asked for the date, I’m pretty obviously Hispanic.
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He snapped his fingers at a waiter. It was so rude, I was mortified. Left straight away before we’d even ordered a drink.
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It was my first and only blind date which a mutual friend of ours set up. She arrived and parked in a disabled space, got out of the car telling me she uses her nans disabled pass which didn’t sit well with me but carried on anyway. We went bowling and to dinner, she was really rude to the service staff in both places which I found embarrassing and uncomfortable. Cut the dinner short, paid, left and never saw her again.
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He was anti-vax. Like “Bill Gates is putting microchips in the vaccine” level of crazy. I didn’t even finish my drink. After that I started asking people if they were vaccinated before I agreed to meet them in person.
I showed up and her best friend was there that I hadn’t been warned was coming with us. Then her brother showed up. Then her Dad showed up. Then her mom and her 3 cousins aged 3-5 showed up. That was the point I excused myself to bathroom.
THANKFULLY this is one of those places where the employees will sneak you out if you’re having a bad date and need an out, and apparently I’m the first guy they snuck out at that point.
To start he was nearly 30 minutes late to the restaurant, blamed “traffic” for being so late, even though we don’t live in a city. He was a little drunk when he turned up (but I can understand if he was a little nervous beforehand) I ordered a meal and he ordered 3 beers for himself.
After he downed a few he the proceeded to tell me I was a 7 out of 10, and to get to a 10 I should get plastic surgery so I can be a model. I told him repeatedly that I was happy with the way I looked, but he kept going on and on about what I should get done.
After I’d finished eating I said I’m going to pay for my meal then head home, he wanted to go to the bar & convinced me to go with him. I ordered a drink then turned around to see him leaning over a couple of young ladies, who looked pretty uncomfortable, so I put my drink down and left. I sent him a text the next day saying it isn’t going to work and blocked him.
One week later I get a call from an unknown number and it’s him mum, she tells me about how he came to visit her and told her all about me, and how happy she is that her boy has finally found someone, then invites me to dinner, which I turn down.
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He said, “yeah you’re an engineer now, but once you get pregnant you’ll move away from working though…right?”
Just so many assumptions in the one statement, hadn’t even gotten our food yet.
I walked into a glass panel really hard and got hurt and he laughed. Everyone else at the restaurant got up to check on me and he just guffawed like an a*s. I told him I hope he’s find what he was looking for elsewhere and bailed.
Many years ago I agreed to meet a lady in a coffee shop for a date. She turns up with 4 screaming kids in tow who climb all over the chairs and just about wreck the place. I paid for our coffees and took my leave lol.
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On a blind date he said, “I’m surprised you’re so average looking”.
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He had a go at me for giving the homeless person outside the bar some money, then proceeded to rant about the ‘scum’ on the streets, I didn’t even finish my first drink before saying I didn’t think it was going to work out and leaving
After walking around a stadium so he could take photos of lampposts (?!?) we entered the stadium after the match started. When we got in, I told him I didn’t drink and he bought me a beer and I told him I was a vegetarian but he wouldn’t let me buy the snacks instead ordering two hot dogs over my head. When we got to our seats, I wasn’t eating and he shouted at me to “eat the hot dog!!”. I left immediately making an excuse about getting a text.
He got so belligerent wasted before our date and he proceeded to treat all the service staff including our cab driver like absolute trash. They wouldn’t serve him alcohol at the restaurant bc he was so wasted. This was our first date…. At an extremely fancy restaurant. I was appalled.
I wanted to show my face at the restaurant again. I dipped half way through and apologized vehemently to our server.
When he asked me out and I said yes, he then asked if I’d like to go to dinner and what kind of food I liked. I said anything but sushi.
He took me to a sushi place. Said he thought he’d be able to change my mind.
He said he hopes our kids do not have my nose.
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I found out he was married.
Listen, if polyamory or open relationships work for you, that’s great. However, lay that out RIGHT AWAY when you’re talking to someone. Don’t wait until you’re actually on a date to be like “by the way, I’m married.”
Of course the guy just SAID he was polyamorous, idk if he actually was or if he was just trying to cheat on his wife.
We saw a couple that was black and white, and he expressed disgust. I said they were cute. He said he doesn’t believe in “races mixing.”
She had already put our pictures through one of those “what would your baby look like” apps and started talking about how we would raise them.
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We were at a club and he kept running into attractive women he knew but apparently had not seen in awhile. I overheard him lament to a friend, “I never see any of these ladies until I’m here with a date, then I can’t do anything! Why do I have to have a date here TONIGHT of all nights?!” I had him take me back home so he could “Go back and enjoy all the women he NEVER runs into.”
When he started talking about how the moonlanding was fake.
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Well everything was great at the bar and I was actually super excited…. agreed to go back to his just so I could wait long enough to drive home since I had a few beers showed me his Bills-themed basement bar (we’re Buffalo) and honestly it was fabulous. Put the game on and just lounging around his fancy football man cave, I felt 100% at home and at-ease since he was not physically hitting on me at ALL. YES! A NORMAL DUDE!!
Then eventually we started kissing and fooling around slightly, he started saying “Do you love me Mommy? Tell me you love me Mommy” and sh*t like that and I literally pulled back and gave him the side-eye and said “WTF are you doing, thats not a turn on, love.” Then he told me he has a Mommy kink and likes “his women to take him on shopping sprees” and the motherf****r made 3x more money than me.
Went on a date with a guy because my friends pestered me to give him a chance because he was “nice”. He negged me the entire date, he insulted my degree and he kept looking at the woman next to our table. I said “nope!” and ghosted him.
He ordered just a plate of fries. Picked up a fry, took a few bites until he got to the end he was holding, then dropped the end piece on the ground. Every time. For each fry.
It was an awesome date up til the point I left. We went out to dinner, saw a concert, then went clubbing. We were dancing and having a great time. I went to pee and grab another drink, and this MF saw someone he knew and was looking at her lovingly then kissed her. I saw it go down from the other side of the club. It felt like it was out of a movie for a minute.
Luckily I was living in a city and my friends were in that area so I just shifted bars and had a good night.
She told me she believed she was the reincarnation of 17th century pirate Anne Bonny and was completely serious about it.
He kissed me and then started growling like a dog.
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15 minutes into the date he said “you’re really pretty, but you’d be prettier if you didn’t have tattoos and straightened your hair.”
We’d been to lunch a few times but this was the first real romantic date. We met in biology class in college. She was gorgeous and smart and had a smile that could melt diamonds. I was in a group project with her and took her to lunch, and she confessed she had a crush on me. So we kissed before going back to class and made plans for a date and went out that night. And we had a wonderful time. Until about the time she asked me what my “deal-breaker” for dating was. As in, what trait would someone have that would immediately make me break it off. I said something like I wouldn’t date a racist or a puppy-kicker. Someone who had a sociopathic streak, or was mean, stuff like that. She said that she could date all kinds of guys—fat, skinny, black, white, it didn’t matter. The one thing she could not abide, the one kind of guy that she absolutely, positively, would never, ever, like EVER-EVER be with…was a guy with a hairy back.
And I’m Iranian.
After we were already 15 minutes late walking into the movie because he was 45 minutes late picking me up, he proceeded to talk at normal volume the entire film. After about half an hour I got up to use the bathroom and walked right out the door.
A couple of my friends lived 4 blocks from the theater so I just walked over to their place and had them drive me home later.
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While perusing the menu he asked what I was going to get. I said “um, I’m thinking about” and he cut me off to say “They don’t have UM here”. I chuckled and continued “So I think I’ll have the uh chicken”. He responded seriously with a raised voice “They don’t have UH CHICKEN here either” and shook his head like I was annoying. I just stared at him for a minute.
I was at the mall one summer day hanging out with some friends. I see this guy who looked like a friend of mine, so I walked up to him only to find that he was not that friend. He was cute, we introduced ourselves, exchanged pleasantries. Gave me his beeper number (I’m old) and we planned to go get coffee sometime. I was a hot spooky chick and he was a hot spooky dude.
The day arrived. It turns out he worked at a Red Lobster down the road from my house so I walked over there to meet him after his shift ended. We went to go see The Craft in the second run theatre. We held hands, kissed during the movie. We went to go get coffee after and we chat.
“What year are you?”
“Going to be a junior this fall.”
“Cool, I didn’t go to college.”
“Um… Oh God. How old are you?”
So that’s the story about how two strangers VASTLY over/underestimated each other’s ages. I thought he was 17-18, he thought I was around 20.
I was 15 and he was 25. He took me right home and we didn’t go out again.
He told me he had only one child then after a couple more dates it became clear there’s more than one. He eventually admitted to four by three different women and explained he had told women the truth too early before me and had missed out on the chance to sleep with them so he thought it was better to lie. What a peach.
I had more in common with the chaperone she brought to the ice cream shop, and didn’t seem to have anything to say that wasn’t “as a godly person…”
Like, fine you brought someone to make sure I wasn’t a creeper, I understand that…
But when you make it very clear that it’s your youth pastor acting as the chaperone, and invite him to sit at our table, then say nothing until the pastor felt bad enough to break the silence to talk to ME…maybe don’t cry and ask why I don’t want a second date?
I had matched with this girl off of Tinder and we messaged a bit, but she was relentless about wanting to know more about my ex and how I felt after the break up.
I looked past this and met her for dinner a couple nights later. I walked in the restaurant and my ex is sitting at the table under that girls name. I turned around to walk out and got a tinder notification from the girl I had agreed to meet “you’ll never be able to get away from me.”
He spoke over me the whole time. At the end of the date he said I’d been to awkward because I hadnt spoken much, so he was going to **** me next time he saw me to break the ice.
Needless to say, I did not see him again.
She talked about her ex-girlfriend of a few months for about half the date, then proceeded to explain to me how she sexually assaulted her ex when her ex didn’t want to have sex with her yet. I kept asking to leave (my things were in her car) but she kept saying that she was having a good time and that she loved that I was such a good listener. I texted my sister to come get me, and when I informed my date of this, she got upset with me, and made me tell my sister to go back home, because she wanted to drive me home instead. She even texted me the next morning and told me she had a great time and wanted to see me again. I’ve never blocked someone so quickly.
Nice and simple. A nicegirl gets it out of the way early.
“I guess I better tell you that I’m going to expect you to stop talking to any other girls you might have in your life.”
She then explains yes, everyone, no she’s serious, she gets jealous easily.
Image credits: Hattix
I dated this girl who was a friend of a friend. She used to come into the pub I worked at for $10 steak night with her mum and a guy who we weren’t sure if was her boyfriend or brother… turned out it was her brother, but they were weirdly close.
Anyway, we went on a date, she seemed quite uncomfortable the whole time. Didn’t make much conversation, just obviously wasn’t into it, So I dropped her home, and she asked me if I wanted to come in. Against my better judgement I did. They had 2 couches in the living room. I sat on one awkwardly, while she laid on the other couch and spooned with her brother. At this point I realised I should not have shown up…
When she responded to “Hi” on tinder with something like “hey cutie, want to come to my parents house?” We chatted for a bit, and according to her she wasn’t looking for anything serious but she wanted me to pick her up, take her out to dinner, and maybe have sex afterwards. Very transactional, which kinda stung but whatever she was hot.
I looked up the address she gave me and was surprised to find a neighborhood I did work in, and that the house was one I knew was for sale. Specifically, the owner died and it was being gutted to be resold by his kids.
At this point 100% convinced this was a scam, but somewhat curious, I decided to drive by and see if anyone was there, texting her I was coming, but in a different type of car. Really expensive neighborhood, on a sea-cliff, felt like an adventure. Took my work truck.
Drove by and some huge dude comes out of the house, stares at my truck, and goes back in. Could see other people inside. Noped out of there super fast. Pretty convinced it was a phishing scam to mug me, or a prank. Didn’t feel like finding out.
I invited him to a live performance of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, my treat. He showed up in sweatpants and a hoodie with holes in it. I pretended that I got sick from my drink, bailed on the date for then circled back to the theatre a few minutes later and watched the play by myself. 10/10 would do again.
We were hooking up and he says that he doesn’t go down on women because he’s a “germaphobe.”
She kept talking about how life was supposed to be “enjoyed to the maximum”. Basically, how she spent lavishly on expensive Italian, French or Japanese dinners and trips, making her constantly broke and constantly borrowing money from other people to sustain her lifestyle. She considered it “classy”. I considered her delusional.
She showed up at the bar already so drunk that she could not walk without my assistance.
1. she drove herself there.
2. it was 2 in the afternoon.
3. she wanted to continue drinking as soon as we met there.
Image credits: WiseFool4
Girl’s phone vibrated. She went, “oh, that’s my ex. We text all the time.”
She proceeded to read me said text, wherein the ex professed jealousy that she was on a date.
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Wouldn’t stop trying to flirty touch me and was thrilled his job was denying 9/11 responders healthcare. He asked for a hug when I left…
Blind date who showed up drunk and on some drugs, though I didn’t realize it until about 30 minutes in. I was a teacher at the time and told him a story that involved dressing up for Halloween at work. He proceeded to berate the profession and said that he always hated his teachers who “tried too hard.”
When the guy that showed up was easily 30 years older than what he looked like in the picture he had sent me.
He got into a political rant about 15 minutes into sitting down at dinner. And then opened his mouth and goes “Minorities wouldn’t have it so bad if they just worked harder. Opportunities don’t just fall into white people’s lap.”
I excused myself to the bathroom, went to the hostess, paid my half of the meal that I didn’t even get to eat, and walked out.
When we got to the good old “what you do for a living” she straight up tried to sell me in on her MLM scheme
When I politely noted I wasn’t interested but I’m happy to go back to our previous discussions she got argumentative in the good old salesperson losing a client kind of way
When it was clear the mood was ruined and we weren’t going anywhere from there I stood up, paid for our drinks at the counter, and got out.
Bonus points for some of my friends coincidentally sitting at the table behind us (her, I could see them) and giving her weird looks as she was ranting about the “life-changing opportunity”, that pretty much solidified my thoughts.
I was 17 (freshman in college) he was an extended senior (I can’t remember his age but it was too old and I didn’t know until I got there). He was a legacy rich kid at a local private Christian university and was absolutely unbearable with his flashiness and arrogance. Kept trying to pressure me to drink and even ordered and entire bottle of wine for the table. I kept refusing. He ended up getting dumb drunk and very loud. He finally said “my friends know I like innocent girls, that’s why they set us up. Have you ever even had a boyfriend before?” With the slimiest smile (and he was right. I came from a conservative family and had never had a boyfriend or even a first kiss before college). I just stared wide eyed at him feeling very uncomfortable. That’s when I decided I had to leave.
I wasn’t able to leave right then, but that’s when I shut off until I could.
When she was speeding in the rain, driving in the opposite direction of the restaurant, telling me how her parents had her admitted to a psych ward, but she didn’t take any meds because there was nothing wrong with her.
When we met up and he insisted within the hour we go to his house, then raised up his pant leg to show me his ankle monitor.
He was incredibly rude to the waitress, then when I tried to diffuse the situation he told me he had it under control and proceeded to tell the waitress when she came back that he was “Going to tip her despite how terrible she was.” I walked out before we even got our food and called a friend to come get me.
He said he was actually from an entirely different state, looked completely different from his photos and then asked if he could borrow $400 for Methadone before we even ordered. I left immediately.
He talked sh*t about both his children.
They said ‘I’ve never dated a communist before’ …. I was born and raised in America. It was so creepy being fetishized just because I’m Slav.
After asking me if I wanted children and I told him no, he told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. I just got up and left without saying a word.
Not one I left, but definitely one I should’ve. He divulged to me after 10 minutes that he didn’t actually live in the city I lived in, and had been lying about going to make the last train after work, etc. 45 minutes in he said we should be together, and kept groping me and kissing me like a dog with a jar of peanut butter. The cherry on top was that he told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me at the end of the evening.
It was more of a weirdness overload that morphed into one giant red flag:
He said our future kids (wtf?!) were probably going to need glasses, since we both wore them.
He told me that he knew some really great tricks for mummification, because he’d read up about the subject. Asked me if I’d ever thought about it.
He said his mum was his best friend…and I could kinda see why.
He had been negging me for a few minutes after I finally agreed to stay for another drink. It was as of he thought since I agreed to another drink I was sold. Then the insult/compliments started to fly.
He left to go get us a drink, while I sat there asking myself why I felt insulted. It took a food 5 minutes before it became clear as crystal and I walked out. Thank God the bar was super crowded. He was probably still in line by the time I caught my ride home.
No thanks Wallstreet bro. Your money can’t buy you manners.
He shouted at a kid on the table right next to ours. The blind rage I felt right that moment helped me leave the table after saying my piece, without looking back.
I was telling a story about airport security trying to confiscate a brick of cheese that had become quite soft after a few hours out of the fridge and how I just ate the whole brick out of spite. He kept interrupting the story to make jokes comparing the cheese to his flaccid penis.
At the end, after he tricked me into hugging him, he looked me dead in the eye and said “next time – vagina”.
He started yelling at me during dinner about my political beliefs being wrong. The waiter walked by to check on us and beelined it out of there. It was the only time I’ve used my emergency $20 to leave a date.
He told me to meet him at a bar, which turned out to be a hole-in-in-the-wall in a strip mall, literally just a bar, no food, just booze (we were supposed to be having dinner). I had put in some effort with a cute outfit, nice makeup, etc. He showed up in ratty old jeans and a paint-splattered hoodie.
That was the moment that made me think “ohhhh this is gonna be bad,” but he’d already caught me, so we sat down and the bartender immediately put a pint-glass vodka tonic in front of him before even asking what I wanted. Clearly he was a regular. We tried to make small talk but he was just so f-ing weird. He was cutting me off mid-sentence with random nonsense, buddy-punching me on the arm, and kept hurrying me to finish my drink so I could keep up with him (he was slamming these pints of vodka tonic, one after the other, and the bartender kept em coming).
I finished my one light beer, paid for my drink (which offended him deeply), and got up to leave. He chugged his last drink, threw a $100 bill on the bar, and followed me into the parking lot. I tried to get away politely and he interrupted with “come back to my place, I f**k like a freight train.” I stumbled over my “ah, no thank you” and before I’d finished the sentence he got into his car, started the engine, and screeched out of the parking lot, almost getting it onto two wheels on the turn.
She brought her ex-boyfriend to see if he approved. After he said that, they asked for a three-way.
When I went on this date with this dude, and he had 0 interests. When I tell you 0 I mean it. He didn’t watch movies, series, did not listen to music, did not watch tv, didn’t have any hobbies, did not have any siblings, any friends, any work, just university studies. He didn’t like to cook or clean or even go on walks. It was the most awkward date I have ever been with someone.
He read me poetry he wrote about his ex and showed me his Viagra stash.
I picked her up and she said, “let’s hurry up and go. My husband will be back soon. Don’t worry we’re getting divorced but he won’t want to see me on a date.”
When she told me my English accent was dumb, and then repeatedly shouted out that everyone else in the bar had a dumb English accent… It was a bar in England.
When he took my hand and stroked it whilst calling me his “little strawberry.”
Image credits: ridetoBe20
He’s invited his friends and wouldn’t speak to me but stared at me intensely the whole time. His friends were nice enough but I was so weirded out.
I was having an intimate dinner with a friend from school and we were deep in conversation about feminism and gender stereotypes. Mid conversation, he said “I want to date a feminist just to gauge how different it is from other women”
Shortly after, I downed my wine and met the nearest exit.
I told her I had been in the military. She told me she had been engaged to 3 different guys in the military.
He took me on a surprise date… to watch him skateboard. Watched him eat sh*t for 2 hours, then he pouted dropping me off because he didn’t “nail the move.”
Blind date. Fine minutes in she says she may or may not have chlamydia. It gets worse. Our third wheel who set us up gets trashed and starts crying about how he liked her.
He drank 11 Sierra Mists and 2 beers in one hour.
She was on her phone 60% of the date.
Met with her for drinks. Following a greeting/smile/hug, her head went back down to her phone. Asked if she wanted to grab something from the bar, and didn’t lift her head when she told me what she wanted, nor did she come to the bar with me. Okay. Sh*tty. Whatever. I was definitely in a state of mind at the time that I just wanted to try things out, gain experience, roll with the punches.
The other 40% of the time was basically her talking about herself. That I can bear with. Not great, but bearable. It happens. That’s part of the idea, get to know the other person. But most of that was about her sh*tty ex and how terrible their break up was. Sadly no back and fourth or basic conversation edicate. Definitely got out of there politely and soon, never looked back.
I met a girl at work who decided to invite me over to her house to hang out. Everything was cool until I went to the bathroom. The bathroom was an absolute wreck, hadn’t been cleaned in maybe years, there was scum and hair everywhere. I could have dealt with all that but when I raised the lid to take a piss I saw a turd floating in some water and pee with a piece of toilet paper over it. She had just been in there a bit before myself. I flushed, peed and then called it a night.
Showed me his giant back tattoo of a demonic jack in the box while in a bookstore, a date location he picked and I foolishly thought we might have interesting discussion on reading. Turns out, he rarely read and it was just the only place in my city he was familiar with.
He left me at the restaurant with the bill when I was in the bathroom… Last blind date I went on.
Had one date where the girl kept talking about her ex who apparently came out while they were dating, and she said something to the effect of “I should have seen it coming, he works at Express. Only gay guys like Express”
Meanwhile, I’m across the table wearing mostly Express clothes.
She pulled out her Ipad and starts trying to sell me insurance.
That time when I walked into the restaurant where I was meeting that “Dr.” I met online, and he was there wearing a white lab coat… to dinner… our first (and last) date.
At the end of the date she told me that she wanted to be f****d by her dog so bad but the dog wasn’t interested.
My mum set me up with a “nice boy”. I found out 30 minutes into the date he was not long out of prison for armed robbery, assault with a dangerous weapon and house breaking…turns out she didn’t know him that well at all.
He said, “you’re not pretty enough for me, but maybe you’re freaky to make up for it.”
Had a great time at dinner, and went for a walk through a park afterwards. We’re walking along and talking and she mentions to me that she is still “technically” engaged to a guy, but she was only marrying him because he had gotten her pregnant. But she had a miscarriage a few days ago (had not told him yet), and now that there was no baby and she had met me she was going to tell him and break up with him.
She called me by her dad’s name… Twice.
She brought her 3 kids with her to a date, where she specifically requested Denny’s. Asked if it was ok if they eat with us, i said “sure, as long as I’m not paying”, then began to berate me in that polite-rudeness about how there’s no more real men in the world.
When he said “wow you even walk like a guy!” As soon as he got out of my car. Whatever that means.
He then proceeded to be racist, sexist, and homophobic during this “date”, which was more of a monologue from his part, and even implied I’m fat and that he had no interest in me before trying to kiss me.
Her boyfriend that I knew nothing about showed up.
In high school, went on a date with a girl I met through a friend. We had been texting a while and seemed to really hit it off. She brought a (girl) friend because we’d been talking, but I’m still a relatively unknown guy, I get it. Guy crashes the date, chatting casually with everyone, and offhandedly refers to the girl I’m there to see as his girlfriend. I was too awkward, shocked, and hurt to say anything, and left soon after. We texted later and when I asked about it, she said, “He probably just said good friend.” That quote has stuck with me. Maybe something else was going on and it was someone she had tried to get rid of, and my autistic a*s missed some cues, but at the time, it felt like a really bad cover.
Image credits: don-Bolas
We went for a 1 hour walk and during that time he let me say about a total of 10 words and spent the rest of the time talking to me about his money or answering his own questions.
He boasted about driving drunk and crashing his car.
When he told me he had been married and divorced, a sniper, and a trucking company owner. Not a single thing was true, which was good? Bad?
When he didn’t let me look at the menu, ordered for me (a water and a kids chicken tender meal – I’m 24), ate half my meal, and was talking so much about himself he spit pieces of chicken on me.
When he said, “I firmly believe that a woman’s vagina is never the same again after childbirth, and you can’t change my mind.” And I’m a mom.
I suggested a Tinder date meet me at the Hirshhorn museum in DC. He showed up, said “I hate art” and then touched every single piece of it until a guard saw.
He showed up drunk for a walk in the park. He went behind a bush mid-walk to pee… Then tried to hold my hand.
She wanted me to join her MLM. Said the only way she could get platinum is if she marries someone who is in the MLM and they combine their sales.
It was a blind date.
She brought her boyfriend.
When I said absolutely the f**k not, she said “It’s ok, he’s cool with it.”
He kept excusing himself to the bathroom the entire night which I thought maybe he just had a small bladder or nerves. Then later on in the evening he offered me a baggie of cocaine. I was out of there pretty fast.
Another date I went to was this guy who wouldn’t let me walk peacefully in the park. I was walking one time and he shouted at me “STOP” I freaked out when he slowly went down to the ground with his face almost touching the ground and apologized to the ants because we were interrupting the ants and I was about to step in their way.
Matched with a guy on Tinder in 2014 while I was in grad school and new to the city I was living in. He seemed cool enough and lived in a small town about 45 minutes outside my city. He offered to take me out for dinner, and I agreed and said I would meet him at dinner (in regard to my own safety). He insisted on picking me up and showed up with a liter of Fireball and sat down on my couch and started pouring shots of it for me and my roommate. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy, just oddly misguided in that I was not interested in binge drinking Fireball before dinner. He ended up drinking nearly all of it and tried to hook up with me. When I rejected him he wanted to drive home despite being completely wasted. I forced him to sleep on my couch and locked the door to my room. We never spoke again, but he did try to add me on Snapchat about 4 years later.
He invited me to smoke a joint with him at his house. Turned out he lived with him mom (that’s okay) so we smoked in the garage with giant cockroaches running around (that’s not okay).
10 minutes in and he was checking out the two women at the table next to us. Like hard-core staring around the booth-wall until they looked at him uncomfortably.
When he told me he was drinking across town in another bar doing shots and would be where I was ASAP… He was driving himself.
I was the bad date: Got super drunk before I got there, talked A LOT about my cat. Invited him in, basically talked him into it. I really wasn’t planning on bringing him, get undressed and I’m wearing cat underwear which I know added to my crazy cat lady allure because he commented on them. After finishing some lousy sex he goes to get dressed and finds my cat sitting next to his cat pee soaked clothes.
While drinking my coffee she explained how she communicated with the “spirits of the deceased”. It wasn’t a joke or an ice-breaker.
He lived with his “ex.”
He said he didn’t like hair in a bun or choker necklaces. I happened to have my hair in a bun and was wearing a choker at the time.
He took my sandals off in a public restaurant and sniffed them under the table. I went to the bathroom and waited for a chance to leave.
When his parents and grandparents also showed up, acting like we were getting married.
When she asked if we could stop at her mom’s house first so she could “grab something.” After 10 minutes of waiting in the car she came running out of the door carrying a baby and a woman was chasing her screaming. She jumped in the car and started yelling, “Drive drive drive!”
It started out with her inviting several family members shortly after we were seated for dinner. They were young like us and nice, so I went with it. But they quickly got WASTED and she went on a rant about how there are no good women anymore and they sort of boxed me out of the conversation. We hadn’t even ordered our food yet.
It was so awkward I excused myself to the bathroom and walked out the back door. She didn’t notice for a while I guess but then she blew me up and started freaking out.
I’m super glad I left. About a year ago I saw her and her wife and child. She seems like a great person, but I feel like I dodged a bullet.
When she took 30 minutes to get to my car from her house then fell asleep almost immediately upon sitting down.